From an actual courtroom transcript:
Question: (Showing man picture.) That’s you?
Answer: Yes, sir.
Question: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
From an actual courtroom transcript:
Question: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
Answer: I will be three months November 8th.
Question: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
Question: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Actual Insurance Claims
I drove into the wrong drive, and hit a tree I did not have
I was waving to the person I hit last week, then I hit the person in front
I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my head through it.
The other car collided with mine without warning of its intentions.
I collided with a stationery car going the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a bigmouth.
I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
what do you call a man with a car on his head?
what do you do if a 10 ton Elephant sat in front of you in a Cinema?
miss most of the film…..
What do you call a mad Dog with no ears?
Anything you like it can`t hear you……
What is yellow and dangerous?
shark infested Custard……
How do you know if a Elephant has been in your fridge?
you get foot marks in the butter…..
Why do Elephants paint their toe nails red?
So they can hide upside down the cherry trees…..!!!!
what is black and white and red all over?
A sun burnt penguin….!!!
How do you get 4 Elephants in a mini?
2 at the back and 2 at the front…..
How do you get 2 Rhinos in a Mini
take 2 of the Elephants out first……
How do you get to wales in a mini?
Up the motorway!……
Out of the mouth of Children (Exams)
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by Mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert, which they cultivated by irritation. Ancient Egyptian women wore a loose-fitting garment which began just below the breasts which hung to the floor.
The Bible is full of many interesting caricatures. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night. Moses went up on Mt. Cyanide to get the ten commandments, but he died before he ever reached Canada. Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. An epistle is the wife of an apostle.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns: corinthian, ironic, and dorc. They also invented myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth tells us that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the river Stinks until he became intolerable.
The Romans conquered the Geeks. Their leader, Julius Caesar, extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul and when the Ides of March murdered him, he expired with these immortal words upon his dying lips: “Tee hee, Brutus!”
Then came the Middle Ages, when everyone was middle aged. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful women. Magna Carta ensured that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak. People contracted the blue-bonnet plague, which caused them to grow boobs on their necks. They also put on morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins, and other mythical creatures.
Then came the Renaissance, a time of a great many discoveries and inventions. Gutenberg invented the Bible and removable type. Sir Walter Raleigh discovered cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper
Two fellows are talking religion. One says to the other, “Sometimes I’d like to ask God why he allows poverty, famine and injustice when he could do something about it.”
“What’s stopping you?” asks the second.And the first replies, “I’m afraid God might ask me the same question.”
A little boy in Sunday School gave the explanation as to why Mary and Joseph took baby Jesus to Egypt. He claimed: “They couldn’t get a sitter.”
During the children’s sermon the Pastor asked, “What is grey, has a bushy tail and gathers nuts in the fall?” One five year old raised his hand. “I know the answer should be Jesus,” he stated, “but it sounds like a squirrel to me.”
Excerpts from church bulletins:
The ladies of the church have cast off clothes of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.
Tuesday at 4PM, there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.
Wednesday, the ladies Auxiliary Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, “Put Me In My Little Bed”, accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother’s Club. All those wishing to become little mothers please meet the minister in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.
A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.
Sign outside a Canadian church: “Sermon for Sunday: What is Hell like?” Just below was the message: “Come in and hear our choir sing.”
As the maintenance of the churchyard is becoming increasingly costly, it would be appreciated if those who are willing would clip the grass around their own graves.
A note from the pastor: I shall be away from the parish attending the Diocesan Clergy School from April 21-24. It will be convenient if parishioners will abstain from arranging to be buried, or from making other calls on me during this time.
From the bulletin of the Church of the Incarnation in Sarasota, Florida: “The Magic of Lassie, a film for the whole family, will be shown Sunday at 5 p.m. in the church hall. Free puppies given to all children not accompanied by parents.”
The following are children’s answers to Sunday School questions:
Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.
Henry VIII thought so much of Wolsey that he made him a cardigan.
The fifth commandment is: Humor thy father and mother.
Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day but a ball of fire at night.
When Mary heard she was to be the mother of Jesus, she went off and sang the Magna Carta.
Salome was a woman who danced naked in front of Harrod’s (a London department store).
Holy acrimony is another name for marriage.
Christians can have only one wife. This is called monotony.
The Pope lives in a vacuum.
Paraffin is next in order after seraphim.
Today, wild beasts are confined to the Theological Gardens.
The patron saint of travelers is St. Francis of the seasick.
Iran is the Bible of the Muslims.
A Republican is a sinner mentioned in the Bible.
Abraham begat Isaac and Isaac begat Jacob and Jacob begat twelve partridges.
The natives of Macedonia did not believe, so Paul got stoned.
The First Commandment: Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
It is sometimes difficult to hear what is being said in church because the agnostics are so terrible.
1st Student: Whatcha been doing
2nd Student: Taking part in a guessing Contest
1st Student: But I thought you had an exam in maths
2nd Student: I did!
Teacher: Johnny, How can you be such a perfect idiot? Johnny: I practise a lot
Customer: Waiter Waiter
Waiter: Yes Sir
Customer: What Do you call this?
Waiter: Bean Soup Sir!
Customer: I don’t want to know what it is been, what is it now!!!!!
Customer: Waiter Waiter
Waiter: Yes Sir
Customer: There is a fly in my soup
Waiter: well don’t talk to lound or everyone will want one!
Waiter: how did you find the Steak
Customer: well I just looked under the lettice and there is was!